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I sat there, stunned. Too shocked to think, too angry to feel. I didn’t know what to do. The phone call I had just received had paralyzed me. The room was suddenly closing in on me and my hearing was fading out. Somewhere in the distance I heard someone calling my name … “Lori … Lori! She’s going down, someone help me!” I didn’t remember anything but a sharp pain in my back.
I opened my eyes and saw Andy inches from my face.
“What are you doing?” I mumbled. I tried to stand up. He pulled me up and into his arms. I jerked away. “Don’t touch me.” I said angrily. It would have been very nice to have woken up from a fainting spell and not remember the reason I passed out in the first place but I wasn’t afforded that luxury. No, I came to with anger and fury. I wanted to punch something. Andy frowned and planted his hands on his hips in frustration.
“Are you okay?” He asked, his brows knitted together. I pulled my shirt down over my belly and smoothed my hair back.
“I’m fine.” I spat. I didn’t care that there was a crowd of people around me, I needed to leave. I looked down at my watch and officially my shift was over. I pushed through the crowd and headed for my office to retrieve my things.
“Lori, I think you should see a doctor!” Ben called as I stalked down the hall.
I don’t even remember driving home but somehow I got there. I saw Josh’s car in my driveway and felt anger flush through me. How dare he do the things he did to me and still be married? How dare he not tell me he was still married! I parked next to him and made my way quickly into the house. As I slammed the door closed Josh was coming down the stairs to meet me. He pulled me into his arms and tried to kiss me. I pulled away and folded my arms across my chest. My heart was pounding wildly to the point where it almost hurt. He frowned and approached me slowly.
“What’s wrong?” He asked. I tried taking a deep breath and found I couldn’t. My stomach churned and my back ached from where I’d fallen and hit the desk behind me. He reached out for me and I backed away. “Lori …” He said. “Tell me what’s wrong!”
“How’s your wife, Josh?” I asked sarcastically. A momentary look of panic washed over his face and then it was gone.
“My wife?” He asked. I frowned, I had been gritting my teeth and my jaw ached.
“Don’t play stupid with me!” I snapped. “Yes, your wife! You know, January Jones Groban!” He sighed and rubbed his forehead with his fingers.
“Lori …” He offered.
“Don’t fucking ‘Lori’ me! You lied to me you bastard, you’re still married!” He came towards me and I backed up again. I didn’t want him near me.
“Please, let me explain.”
“Yeah, go ahead, explain. I’m dying to hear this.” He blew air out of his mouth and kept one hand on his forehead while planting his other hand on his hip.
“Umm … we …” I watched his Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallowed hard before speaking. “We’re legally separated but not totally divorced.” His voice was raspy, slightly choked. I felt tears sting my eyes and willed them away.
“No, no …” I said and turned my back on him. “I can’t believe you did that to me.” My shoulders hunched and I felt sobs building in my chest. When I felt him touch my shoulders it was like he was on fire and burning me. I leaped away and turned on him like a wild animal. “Get away from me!” I screamed. He backed up in surprise, his eyes wide and frightened. How I ached for him to hold me and tell me it wasn’t true. I half expected to come home and ask him and he would tell me it was all a lie and I would have believed him, happily. But he didn’t even try to deny it and then when the realization of it all being true hit home I felt like I had been kicked in the chest by a horse.
“Lori, my God, what is wrong with you?” He said loudly. “Is it really that bad?” Tears streamed down my face, my gut wrenched and I grimaced at him.
“Isn’t it, Josh?” I shouted. “You let me fall in love with you, a married man! And you have the audacity to tell me it’s not that bad! You know my ex-husband cheated on me with two women and yet you don’t think this is bad?” The tears were coming now. I wiped them away angrily, I hated myself for being weak. I swore after Jim I wouldn’t let another man hurt me like that again and here I was … sobbing and wishing I could forgive him and have him hold me. “You turned me into him …” I whispered. He moved forward slowly. I held my hand out to him. “No.” I said softly. I was finished yelling, I wasn’t angry anymore, I was sad and I couldn’t face him anymore. “Please go.”
“Lori, baby, please don’t do this.” He pleaded and came towards me.
“Josh! Go!” I roared. He stood defiantly and stared at me, his eyebrows furrowed together, his lips tight.
“I’m not going.” He said. “I love you and I know you love me. We can work through this, I know we can.” I went to the door and opened it.
“Out.” I said staring at the floor, I couldn’t bear to look at him.
“Baby,” His voice cracked as he spoke. I knew he was on the verge of tears, it was killing me to be tough with him. “I’m begging you.” I turned my head and sobbed into my arm. He rushed to me and as he did I pushed him out the door, slammed it shut and locked it. I leaned back against the door then slid down it until I was crumpled in a heap on the floor where I sobbed, my heart breaking into shards in my chest. Josh banged on the door for most of an hour pleading with me to let him in so we could talk. I didn’t want to talk, I wanted to be sad and then move on with my life like I had a year ago when Jim hurt me like this. What was it about me that made men crazy? I hated myself right then. I hated everything I stood for, I hated my life, I hated my heart. I had trusted again without thinking and that was stupid. I cried until I had no more tears to cry and once Josh had stopped pounding on the door and I heard him drive off, his wheels losing their grip on the pavement, tires squealing for most of a block I got up and drifted ghost-like up to my room. Sipping water I stuffed a small pill, a Xanax into my mouth and swallowed it. As the bathtub filled with hot water I undressed and lay flat on the bed. My head was throbbing and my body ached. I prayed that I would go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow in Josh’s arms and this would all have been a horrible dream. I floated weightless into the bathroom and stepped into the tub, gasping as the hot water assaulted my broken body. Once I had settled in I was grateful for the heat that engulfed me and let it massage away my anguish. If only it was that easy …
I called in sick on Wednesday. My eyes were too swollen to see and my body still felt like I had been beaten only it was exacerbated by my suffering heart. I lay in bed the whole morning as I had no energy to barely move much less walk around. At ten I called Dan and poured my heart out to him.
“Oh my God, dear girl, do you want me to come over there?” He asked, his sympathy slightly exaggerated.
“No, no, Dan, it’s okay.”
“I will, sweetheart. I can’t believe Josh would lie like that.” I sighed.
“I know. I guess I expected too much from him. He is a man after all …”
“No, don’t go there baby, it’s not all men. Trust me, I know the difference.” I managed a slight laugh. “I can’t believe Josh did this to you on purpose. I’ve seen you two together. He was in love!” I felt a stabbing pain go right through the middle of my body. “Lori?” He said when I didn’t respond. “Give him a chance.” Dan whispered. I closed my eyes tight and felt the tears squeeze past my lashes and onto my cheeks.
“I have to go.” I said softly.
“Lori, don’t you hang up on me.” I sniffled and wiped my face with my hand.
“I can’t talk anymore, Dan.” He sighed.
“I’ll be over in a little while to check on you.” I shook my head.
“No, don’t. I can’t have company right now.”
“You promise to call if you need anything … and I mean anything?” I nodded as thought he could see me.
“Yeah.” I croaked. “I promise.” We hung up and I buried my face in my pillow and cried.
The phone rang on and off all day. I ignored every single call knowing that some of them were Josh. He left pathetic, begging messages on my machine. When I had the energy to drag myself down the stairs and to the kitchen I erased them without listening. The sound of his voice ripped right through me tearing open the wounds that he’d left in my heart and making them bleed all over again. As night fell, I sat on the couch and stared out the window blankly. I had taken another anti-anxiety pill not too long ago and feeling the calming effects of it when I saw headlights shining in my driveway. Moments later there was a knock at my door. I stood slowly and moved aimlessly to the window where I peered out and saw a familiar car. I opened the front door and turned back toward the couch. Chris burst in and pulled me into his arms. I let him hug me and when he went to let me go I nearly fell out of his arms. He scooped me up and lay me on the couch. He dropped to his knees and crouched down in front of me.
“What are you doing here, Chris?” I asked drowsily. He took my hand in his and kissed it.
“I was worried. I called you several times today and you didn’t answer your cell phone. When I got home from school Josh was at the house ranting and raving. I rushed right over.” I looked at him, his eyes were soft and large, concerned. I touched his face lightly.
“Is Josh okay?” I asked softly. He gritted his teeth angrily but nodded. “Good.” I said and turned to stare at the wall. “Did you know he wasn’t divorced?” I asked, barely audible.
“Oh my God, no!” He said quickly, tightening his grip on my hand. “I couldn’t believe it when I heard. That bastard!” I felt the tears coming again and when I began to cry Chris pulled me into his arms and held me tight against his chest. “It’s okay.” He soothed, caressing my hair and gently rocking me. I didn’t think I had any more tears to cry but somehow found them and so I sobbed. I sobbed until I felt asleep. When I woke it was dark and I wasn’t sure where I was. I sat up and looked around, squinting my eyes in the blackness. I saw a form in the dark. It stood and came towards me.
“Josh?” I asked, timid, afraid. He sat on the bed next to me and pulled me into his arms.
“It’s Chris.” He murmured. “Are you okay?” I nodded into his shoulder. “Good.” He said. “You fell asleep. I brought you upstairs. I hope you don’t mind.” I shook my head.
“No, it’s okay. But I have to go to bed now.” I pulled away and lay back down.
“Do you want me to stay? Because I will …” I shook my head quickly.
“No, no thank you. You’ve done enough.” I sighed and rolled onto my side. He pulled the covers up and over me, tucking me in. He pushed himself off the bed and leaned over me.
“You call me if you need anything.” He whispered and then kissed my forehead. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
“Take care of Josh for me.” I said as he left.
I managed to muster up the energy to go to work Thursday and though it was a challenge to be cheerful and casual not to mention act silly and chatty I somehow made it through. I went straight home, changed into my shorts and tank top and went for a run. By the time I got back I was feeling a little better. I saw the Jeep in the driveway as I jogged up to the door. Chris pushed himself away from the side of the car and smiled.
“You weren’t answering your phone again today.” He said with a grin. I pulled my keys out of my arm band and unlocked the front door. Chris followed me inside.
“I was at work until about an hour ago, then I was running.” I said as I headed straight to the kitchen for some water. I guzzled down two full glasses before turning to him. “You could have called me at the station.” He shook his head.
“I don’t know the number.” He said.
“If you listen to the station you will hear it, it’s given out like every few minutes.” He shrugged.
“I had filming today, I couldn’t listen. I’m sorry.” He moved closer to me and I held my hand up to him.
“No, don’t come closer.” He stopped in his tracks, his eyes opened wide, cautious. I smiled. “I smell like b.o. and I’m totally sweaty.” He laughed and backed up a few steps.
“Gotcha.” He said and winked at me. “I was wondering if you would like to have something to eat with me.” I sighed, and as if on cue my belly growled. I hadn’t eaten much in the last few days and thought perhaps I’d better have something.
“Yeah, I would love to but you have to wait for me to get cleaned up.” He nodded.
“Fair enough. I doubt they’d let us in with you looking like that anyway.” I giggled and smacked him in the chest.
“Stay right here, I’m going to get changed.” I left him there, leaning against the counter, smiling like the Cheshire Cat.
We had a great dinner together and then he drove me home. He dropped me off and walked me to the door. I began to suspect that he was going to try to put the moves on me but he was a perfect gentleman as he embraced me lightly then waited by the Jeep as I let myself into the house and locked the door behind me. I watched out the window as he got behind the wheel and drove away. I saw that I had messages and pressed the play button timidly knowing what was coming. Dan, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh … hang up, hang up, hang up. I sighed and erased them all. Before crawling into bed for the night I swallowed a Tylenol PM. I lay on my back for a while then rolled over and buried my face into the sheets. I could smell him, where his body had lain and I felt the sharp ache of loss. Once again I cried myself to sleep.
