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Josh lay in bed, the sun peeked in rousing him. His eyes would not stay closed. He hated that. He and Jan had been up late the night before and all he wanted was to sleep. He could feel her thin form behind him, curled up, facing the other way. On any other day, maybe months ago, maybe a year ago he would have rolled over and slid his arms around her, cuddling, falling back to sleep but that wasn’t to be. He hadn’t cuddled her in weeks. He forced his eyes shut and tried to contain his breathing. He saw images under his lids, visions he couldn’t contain. It was Teddy. She was haunting him. For some time she had been visiting him in his dreams and they crossed over into his thoughts and fantasies during the day as well as the night. He thought back to the first time he saw her. It was the photo shoot for the tour book. He turned and saw Carrie and someone else who struck him as familiar. He clicked through his memory until he had it. It was Theodora Hayes, the neighbor girl from his childhood who had been his babysitter. His mom had asked if he could help her out by giving her a job and he agreed not realizing she had grown and transformed into such a beauty! He had been smitten ever since. How easy it was when Carrie asked him if he wouldn’t mind if Theo was assigned to shadow herself and help him out personally, he didn’t hesitate with the answer. He had always had a crush on her. She was the proverbial ‘older woman’ with whom he would have loved to experiment. He and his brother would complain to his mother whenever she told them Theo was babysitting again but secretly he was thrilled. He lay in the grass in the front yard of his house in an L.A. suburb and plot his attacks on her. He tried anything to touch her budding teenage body! The plans often times involved water and he would put Chris up to it. He was younger and would appear more innocent. One time after soaking her Josh got her down on the ground and not only saw her nipples through her shirt but actually touched them. He would never forget that. That was also the time she flipped him and he smacked his head on the ground so hard he saw stars. He didn’t care, it was well worth it. Now here she was, more grown and lovely. And here he was grown and smitten! And also laying next to his girlfriend of a few years now. The relationship was going south and he wasn’t afraid to admit it. He sighed afraid that it was going south because of his feelings for Teddy. Many times over the last 10 months he tried to convince himself otherwise. Jan was selfish, Jan was immature, Jan was lonely, Jan was co-dependent, Jan didn’t love him, she just used him as a trophy. He squeezed his eyes shut until he saw little flashes of light and then eased back resulting in just darkness under his lids. He watched Teddy, watched for any sign she was interested in him but he found none. She was dutiful, watching out for him, driving him places, scheduling appointments and appearances but always the polite, ever distant older – and employed – woman. He thought back to the Playboy party. How breathtaking she was when he first made his way into the Hayes’ home to pick her up. He wasn’t sure what to expect then. He thought she might be wearing some business suit-type dress, her hair up and matted down with hairspray. When he saw her, resplendent in her yellow, sparkling, short gown, her hair all in curls his breath caught in his chest and he thought he was going to choke. She was more breathtaking then Jan could ever hope to be. And there she stood, smiling at him, waiting. Jan never waited for him, he was always waiting for her. She was forever primping and prepping, doing her hair, her make-up. She had to be perfect. He didn’t care about perfect, he cared about how he felt. And he had feelings for Teddy. During the Playboy party he drank some. Teddy assumed that he had too much and was tipsy. He didn’t. Not even close. The end of that night, while the two stood at Teddy’s door he gave in to his urgings and kissed her. She was so beautiful, so demure, he tried to resist and found he was helpless. One touch of her lips and he was hooked and the very second she had succumbed to his advances he had made up his mind that she would be his, he would bed her. But it was not to be. It was evident to him that she was the tipsy one and once she had come to her senses and saw what they had done she felt guilty. The very instant that she mentioned Jan it was over. His desire was ebbed. His subconscious took the wheel and he drove home in shame much like a puppy with his tail between his legs. The next day, back on tour, and at the venue had to have been the worst day he’d ever had. He was forced to talk to other people about the party and even worse, forced to face her, ashamed and guilty. She seemed hesitant, distant. He imagined she felt he was licentious, loose, just looking for a quickie and that wasn’t the case. But she had made herself very clear the night before that she knew he loved Jan and by saying that he was a taken man, was denouncing his feelings for her. He’d made up his mind right then to let her be, to stay away from her as much as possible, to distance himself and let his emotions cool. So as soon as the tour came to a halt he booked a trip for himself and Jan to Mexico, perhaps he could rekindle something that had been lost in the fray. He opened his eyes, the sunlight was intense, his eyes burned. He shut them again. He was starting to get uncomfortable laying there, wide awake, mind whirling, eyes throbbing. He crept out of bed and made his way into the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and washed his face and then snuck out onto the veranda. He leaned his elbows down on the railing and stared out into the ocean. His plan to relight the flame between himself and Jan had seemed to be working. They had fun sightseeing, shopping, dining, dancing, making love until he called his mom to catch up things with her and to see what her and dad had been up to lately and found out that Teddy had bought a house nearby and mom was helping her decorate. He also found out that she had been instrumental in getting Teddy set up for the Playboy party.
“You really like her, don’t you mom?” The instant the question had escaped his mouth he regretted asking it.
“You know Josh, it’s funny you should ask me that.” His mom replied, calmly. “I do like Theo. She’s a smart girl with drive and a real job.” He sighed and rolled his eyes. ‘Here it comes.’ He thought. His mother was not an advocate of his relationship with January. She didn’t care much for models and had let him know, with no uncertainty how she felt almost from the moment the two met. “Not to mention, she’s a natural beauty, she doesn’t have to wear three layers of make-up just so people won’t know what she really looks like. I’ve seen her in paint-splattered sweats and a tank top and she’s just as lovely as she was when you picked her up for that party.” Just the mere mention of Teddy in sweats and a tank top was enough to stir his insides. He could picture it, her flaxen hair pulled up carelessly into a ponytail, loose sweats, and braless under a tight tank, her nipples pressed taught against the fabric. He purposefully draped his hand over the bulk that was forming in his jeans in case Jan caught him on the phone.
“I’m sure she was, Mom. What are you trying to say?” He wondered why he would ask such a thing and then he realized he really wanted to know. There was silence on the other end for a moment.
“She’s perfect for you Josh. I saw the pictures of you two in all the magazines and you are adorable together. But it’s none of my business.” He looked upwards at the ceiling, deep in thought.
“Mom, she’s like 6 years older then me.” He bounced the ball back in her court.
“What does that have to do with it?” Mom snapped and smacked the ball right back to him. “Age is just a number! Don’t be stupid Joshua.” He smiled broadly.
“I can’t help it, I am stupid.” He teased.
“You are not. I just want you to think about it.” Oh, he had thought about it, way too much in the last few days as a matter of fact. He sat silent. “Before she goes and gets herself a boyfriend. Do you hear me Josh?” The sound of his name brought him back.
“Yeah, mom, I hear you. I have to get going, I’m supposed to meet Jan downstairs in the restaurant shortly. She thinks I’m taking a nap.”
“What is it with you and naps? You haven’t taken naps since you were 6, why the change all of a sudden? You’re not on illegal drugs are you?” He laughed out loud at that. He heard his mother laughing on the other end as well.
“No, Mom. I like naps!” He hung up the phone and went to change for dinner. Besides, he thought with a sly smile on his face, during his ‘naps’ he could fantasize about what life might be like with Teddy.
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Josh sensed that Jan was aware that something was not right between them. She’d been overtly clingy lately and it was getting annoying. He sat alone on the veranda looking out over the vast blueness of the ocean feeling a sense of calm when she spied him and interrupted his peaceful thoughts. Walking up behind him she lay her hands on his shoulders and began to massage. On any other day it would have felt wonderful but this time her touch was about to send him careening over the edge of reason.
“Hey, hey.” He said as he pulled her hands from his neck and led her around the chair in front of him. Instead of sitting in it, she wrapped her arms around his neck and climbed into his lap. He dropped his head and she pulled it towards her breast. “Jan, I am not in the mood for you on my lap.” He picked her up and set her down in front of himself. She stared at him, not believing what she’d just heard.
“What do you mean you’re not in the mood?” She planted her hands on her hips in defiance. He sighed and rubbed his eyes.
“I have been getting a headache all day and it’s hurting like hell.”
“Oh, honey …” She was suddenly behind him again this time slipping her fingers through his damp hair and rubbing his scalp. He closed his eyes. “Jan …” He said softly. “January.” This time a little louder. Her hands stopped moving and she leaned down in front of his face.
“Yes?” He looked up at her.
“Honey, we have to have a talk.” Her body stiffened but her hands continued massaging as if they had a mind of their own.
“What about?” She asked lightly.
“Us.”
“What about us?”
“Dammit, Jan, sit down. This is serious.” He jerked her hands from his head pulling out a few hairs in the fray. It wasn’t helping his headache anyway. He didn’t want to have this talk, he was afraid of the outcome but it had to be. He had thought about it too long and too hard to let it go anymore. He couldn’t fake his enthusiasm over this relationship any longer. Yes, the time had come. She sat down in front of him, anger blatant in her expression.
“What’s going on with you, Josh? You’ve been acting weird since we got here.” He leaned his elbows down on his knees and stared down at the deck.
“I’ve changed. I …” He trailed off not knowing exactly how to put it. He glanced up at her, puppy eyes sad and distant. “I’m not sure how to say it.” She sighed and crossed her legs.
“I see. You’re dumping me. That’s why you’ve been drinking like a fish. I should have known.” She picked at her finger nails, scraping off the polish. Josh rested his face in his hands. His temples were throbbing. He had more to drink the night before then he’d ever had in his life. He didn’t like to drink a lot. One or two here or there was more then enough for him usually. But right now he needed the escape. If he had a drink next to him right now he would have downed it in one gulp. He’d never broken up with someone before. It seemed most of his life he was the one being dumped. How the tables have turned! He didn’t want to hurt Jan, he just didn’t want to date her any longer. Maybe they could still be friends …
“Jan, honey, I just would like to be apart for a while, maybe, you know, date other people for a bit. See how it goes.” She rolled her eyes at that. She knew that line, she’d used it more then once.
“Yeah, whatever Josh.” She got up and went back into the room where she pulled her suitcase out of the closet and began to pack her things in it. Josh sighed heavily and squeezed his fingers around his head. After a few minutes he got up and went inside. Jan was busy collecting her perfume bottles and lotions from the bathroom.
“Jan …” He sighed. She ignored him and continued her task. He went over and grabbed her hands and pulled her to him. “Jan, it doesn’t have to end this way.” She glared up at him, her lips a thin line.
“Doesn’t it?”
“come here, come here.” He drew her in, wrapping her arms around him. She hugged him tightly digging her nails into his back. He cringed. He felt the front of his shirt damped with her tears and all he could think was how was he going to get the mascara stains out. “I’m very sorry.” She withdrew from him and used a tissue to daub at her eyes.
“I’m sorry too. It’s that woman, isn’t it?” He feigned confusion. “Oh Josh, please! It’s so obvious, not only to me but to everyone. Probably her too.”
“Who are you talking about?” He felt his cheeks tinge pink.
“Ummmm … Theodora? The girl who’s head is up your ass constantly.” He frowned.
“That wasn’t nice. She’s there to help me.”
“She’s not helping you while she’s got her head up your ass. I’m sure you enjoy it or you wouldn’t have it going on all the time. I’ve heard things, Josh. I saw the pictures of you two at the Mansion. I’m not as stupid as you may think I am.”
“I do not think you’re stupid.” She sighed.
“Okay, blind then. I’m not blind, neither is Cassie, neither is anyone else who spends any time around you.”
“I have known Teddy since I was little.” He said in defense of his relationship. “She’s like family.” Jan made a face. “That’s just not right.” Josh sighed. He grinned foolishly ashamed that he was not able to control it.
“Okay, listen. I don’t altogether disagree with you here. I think we should take some time off from each other.” Finally, a ray of hope! “I’ve got some shoots coming up and so I’m going to be in Paris and Athens for the next 4 months. I don’t like sitting on that tour bus with you. It’s quite boring.” She leaned into the mirror and fixed her make-up. Turning, she flashed a smile. “Besides, it’s way too hard to get it on while everyone’s listening.” Josh searched her face for some sort of understanding.
“I didn’t know you felt that way.” Jan nodded.
“I’ve felt that way for a while now.”
“Wow.” He rubbed his temples, the tension easing some. “So you’re … okay with this?” Slipping the last of her make-up into a bag she turned on her heels and went back into the bedroom.
“ Yeah, Josh, I’m okay with it.” He followed her. “It’s just hard to deal with the reality of it. We’ve been together two years already. Our relationship was getting … comfortable.” Josh grasped her hand and pulled her into his arms. He looked down at her and smoothed her hair out of her face. She looked him over and smiled. His eyes met hers and held them.
“Would you have dinner with me tonight?” He asked. They were due to leave Mexico tomorrow anyway. Jan smiled and kissed him lightly.
“Sure, where should we go?”
Once they arrived back in L.A., January caught a flight back to New York and Josh took the limo back to his waiting, empty, quiet condo. He couldn’t wait to get there and unwind. This last month was supposed to be relaxing, time away from the pressures of the road and the tour but it proved to be frustrating then working. He decided not to tell anyone about his break up just yet. He also decided to wait until the tour began to see Teddy, he kept an eye on her precariously through his mom. He wanted to give himself time to get over the hurt of the split. His soul needed to heal.
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Josh nearly sprinted to the plane. He was anxious to see Teddy. There she was, sitting placid, headphones on. He made his way down the aisle and flopped down next to her. She ignored him. He sighed and turned to her, staring at her beautiful, peaceful face. It wouldn’t have taken any effort at all to lean forward and plant a kiss on her lips but just then she peeked out and leapt so high that she almost hit her head on the roof. He smiled and then tried settling into the seat. It was uncomfortable already, and if it wasn’t for Teddy being there he wouldn’t survive this flight. He noticed Zach watching them and went over.
“So how was your vacation in ‘Meh-hee-coh’ with Jan?” Josh sighed.
“Mexico is freaking beautiful. I don’t know who complimented who more, Jan or the country!”
“Has she ever done a photo shoot there?”
“I don’t know. I think so. She’s done so many that it’s hard to keep up. She’s heading out for Europe soon. She won’t be around for like four months or something.” As if sensing something, Zach asked about their relationship. Somewhat offended by his curiosity, Josh asked him why he asked.
“Things seemed a little … strained last time she was with us.” Josh nodded.
“Yeah, I may have been getting cranky. Touring all the time does that to me. I need time for me. I need time to bang on the keyboard and the drums and let those creative juices flow. It’s really hard being on the road all the time.”
“Tell me about it, I’m in the same boat.” Zach was an accomplished pianist and had his own CDs out. He’d done his own fair share of tours. “The personal life goes all to shit.” Josh laughed.
“Yep, that it does.”
“At least you have Theo to entertain you.” What was that supposed to mean? Josh raised one eyebrow at him.
“She doesn’t entertain me, Zach, she’s an assistant.” Zach ignored Josh and stared beyond him.
“She’s gorgeous, Joshman.” Zach said eyeing her. He looked back at her and nodded.
“Yeah, that she is.”
“You suppose she’s got a boyfriend?” Josh shrugged.
“Don’t really know. I never bothered to ask. Go ask her.” Zach smiled.
“A little obvious, don’t you think?”
“Well you want to know. I can’t think of a better way to find out.”
“I’ll find out my own way.” Josh, anxious to change the subject began talking about new music. He didn’t want to think about Zach going after Teddy. He actually didn’t really care about that part of it, it was whether or not Teddy would respond to Zach favorably. He’d be out in the cold if he found out that Teddy had the hots for a bald headed man and not himself. He would have to make a move sooner or later and with Zach’s interest piqued it would have to be sooner then later.
The flight was long. Teddy had brought his Patricia Cornwell book he’d started months ago but never finished and the two of them sat side-by-side, eyes glued to their respective books. Halfway through the flight, and after they’d changed planes, Teddy leaned her seat back and said good night to Josh. Long after she was asleep he lay next to her in his seat and watched her. She had China doll skin, pale, smooth, and flawless. Oddly enough, it didn’t look like she had any make-up on and her lashes were long and black, resting highly on her cheeks. He gently smoothed her hair from her forehead. He didn’t want to wake her. She was peaceful, at rest. There were so many thing he wanted to say to her, so much he wanted to share but couldn’t. He wasn’t afraid to admit it, he was scared. He’d liked her for so long as a young man and then when she disappeared he moved on with his life. His high school years he spent keeping himself busy with plays and class, voice lessons, piano, drums. She hadn’t crossed his mind in what seemed like forever and then that fateful day when he saw her with Cassie, those old boyhood feelings rushed him like a shitload of football players on a guy with a ball. It had almost knocked the wind out of him. She was appealing as a teenager but bewitching as an adult. But she still treated him as a child. He almost hated that. He couldn’t help it though, sometimes he acted like one around her. She did that to him. She was so naturally funny, she made him – and he hated to admit this too – giggle. The best part about Teddy, he thought as he watched her sleep, was that she didn’t know how lovely she was, how graceful, how charming. But now with Jan out of the picture he was free to show her how he felt. Well, he would be if he didn’t live in fear of how she would react to some young guy coming on to her. A guy she used to babysit. A guy who used to try to see through her shirt at her teenage breasts. How could he expect her to take him seriously after all that? He didn’t know but he would make an effort to find out.
