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I awoke out of a sound sleep, nauseated. My head was throbbing. I crept out of bed so I didn’t wake Josh and locked myself in the bathroom. I sat down on the floor next to the toilet. I closed the lid and lay my head on top of it. I was so tired and my stomach was churning. I felt the nausea rise to my throat and poised myself over the bowl, ready. It was no good, nothing came up. I sat down again and put my head down. I felt like crying. I had been feeling awful since earlier that evening. Josh and I were at his parent’s house. We had dinner out by the pool and as soon as the temperature dropped I started to shiver and feel nauseous. Not long after that Josh brought me back home and put me to bed. He couldn’t bear to leave me sick, shivering, and so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. So now here I sit, head on the toilet, eyes slowly closing, tummy rolling. This was my second trip to the bathroom with no results. I woke up a short time later with a pain in my neck from sleeping with it sideways. I crawled back under the covers and went back to sleep. Josh was up and in the shower when I jerked awake and bolted into the bathroom. I retched a few times into the toilet but nothing would come up. I felt dizzy and sat down on the toilet. Josh’s head peeked out from behind the curtain timidly.
“Everything okay?” He asked quietly. I shook my head.
“I feel awful.” He smiled weakly.
“I’m sorry honey. I wish there was something I could do.” He went back to his showering activity.
“There is, stay home and take care of me.” I muttered.
“I would but I have to go to the studio for a while. David’s going to be there and he wants to talk about some future recordings.” The shower stopped and he pulled back the curtain. I watched him sideways, my head on the sink. He stood there a moment in all his freshly showered nakedness, his tall, lean body dripping, his usually fluffy curls hanging limp and wet down onto his shoulders, big brown eyes softening when he saw me. He was so hot and even as sick as I was I wanted him. He grabbed the towel from the bar and began to dry himself off. I came up behind him and grabbed the towel. I wiped at a spot on his tanned back he had missed. He turned his head and smiled. He went to kiss me and I turned my head giving him my cheek. He frowned.
“I don’t want you to get sick.” I said padding back into the bedroom and crawling back into bed. Josh dressed and then tucked me in before he left. I slept on and off until the doorbell rang. I dragged myself out of bed and answered the door. My mother pressed her hand against my forehead.
“You are cool.” She said. I sighed.
“How did you know I wasn’t feeling good, mom?” I trudged to the kitchen. I hadn’t eaten since the night before and I was actually a little hungry. She followed me.
“Josh called me and told me. He said he was going to be gone longer then he’d anticipated and wanted me to check on you.” I pulled a Sprite out of the fridge, cracked it open and sipped. It was cool and bubbly going down. I waited a moment to see how my belly would react and it seemed okay so I drank some more. “What kind of symptoms are you having?” Mom asked. I scrounged the fridge for something to eat and described my symptoms for her. She frowned and said, “hmmmm” a few times. I put some leftover steak and mashed potatoes in the microwave. They were Josh’s leftovers but I was sure he wouldn’t mind if I ate it. I sat down at the table and ate the food. After a successful first bite, I finished it off in minutes. My mom smiled at me.
“How do you feel now?” She asked. I belched loudly.
“I feel okay. Still a little queasy but my headache’s gone.” She nodded knowingly. “What?” I asked, suspicious of the look on her face.
“When was the last time you had your period?” I frowned at her.
“Oh so just because I have the flu or something now I’m pregnant?” I snapped. She shrugged.
“You never know.” I drank the rest of my Sprite and belched again.
“I’m not pregnant mom, I’m just sick.”
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I paced the floor in front of the sink wringing my hands in worry. I glanced down at the plastic stick waiting to see if the strip in the middle would turn blue or pink. “Come on pink, come on pink.” I whispered. Something started to appear. I grabbed it and held it out in front of me. I shook it a few times hoping it would hurry the results. “Pink, pink!” It became visible and my jaw dropped. “Blue!” I looked at it again. “Oh dear God, it’s blue.” I leaned one hand down on the counter and tapped the pregnancy test strip against my leg. “Shit, shit. What am I going to do?” I dropped the test into the garbage. What was I going to tell Josh? I felt tears sting my eyes under the lids. We were just about to leave to go back out on tour and I was tired, nauseated, and pregnant! How would he react? We’d only been officially dating two months and now I had to tell him he was going to be a father. The tears streamed down my face. I lay face down on my bed and sobbed into my pillow. I felt drained. I got up, washed my face and went out to the kitchen. Looking at my watch I grimaced. Josh would be home any minute. When I saw him coming down the block I jumped onto the couch and turned the TV on quickly. When he came in I had my eyes glued to the screen.
“Hi babes.” He strolled over and kissed the top of my head. He headed straight for the bedroom. “Ready to go to the barbecue?” He called. I sat up straight. Oh dear Lord, I forgot that I threw the pregnancy test in the bathroom garbage. I rushed quickly into the bathroom just as he was heading in there. “What the hell are you doing?” He asked as I bumped him out of the way and ran in before him.
“I gotta go.” I said as I slammed the door shut. I heard him sigh on the other side of the door. I retrieved the stick out of the trash and slipped it into my pocket. I then waited another minute and flushed then I washed my hands and opened the door. He was still standing there, one arm leaning against the doorjamb, he eyed me suspiciously.
“Punk.” He muttered as he passed me. I changed from sweats into a pair of jeans and swore like a truck driver when I couldn’t button them. Josh poked his head in the door when he heard me. “What’s going on in here?” I looked up at him.
“Nothing honey, I’m just frustrated. My jeans shrunk in the dryer.” He smiled. I shook my fist at him. “Get outta here, I’ll be ready in a minute.” He laughed and left the room. I gave up trying to button them and left them undone. Towards 10PM I was falling asleep standing up. I excused myself from Josh’s side, found a lounge chair, curled up on it and fell asleep.
I heard Josh whisper my name and opened my eyes. He smiled.
“Hey, cutie, what gives?” I sat up quickly and then suddenly felt dizzy.
“I’m just tired, honey. Take me home.” Josh helped me up, we said our goodbyes. I was sleeping practically before we hit the mattress. I rolled over and hugged my pillow. Josh snuggled up behind me, kissing my neck lightly. I tried to ignore him but he was very persistent. “Do we have to?” I whined. He rolled me over and positioned himself over me.
“Yes, we do.” He said. It wasn’t as though I didn’t want to, I was too tired. How could I express that to him without him being suspicious? I couldn’t. I would have to fake having energy for a while. We made love and then I passed out again.
The next few weeks we packed and made preparations for the tour again. Our first stop was New York. I was excited and not excited all at the same time. I couldn’t wait to see New York but I wasn’t looking forward to the cold weather. I was so tired that I was fairly grumpy. Josh was confused and at one time approached me about it. I used the PMS excuse. He said he understood. I tried harder after that and it wasn’t easy. I discovered that I could cry at the drop of a hat, I was hungry all the time, and extremely exhausted.
