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There were policemen everywhere making a desperate attempt to control the growing masses. The beach was flooded with people, nearly to capacity, most of them women of various ages. Some of them held signs. They were mostly calm, patiently waiting. Some had been there for over a day I had been told, camping out, wanting to get a good position for the event that was now just an hour away.
Claire and I were in a tent, flaps closed for privacy. My mom kept Claire occupied with toys and made silly faces at her while I dressed and Seth, a hair and make-up artist performed his magic on me. I had finally lost the last few pounds of baby fat, well I’d lost more then I should have and slowly gained a few of them back and with the help of both my mother and Lindy Groban chose a very simple Vera Wang gown. It was strapless, a modified A-line with a pinched neckline and lace all over highlighted with woven ribbons and beads. The back, very clean with embroidered buttons. Seth pulled my hair up and situated a veil onto the back of my head. Again, light, lucid, sheer with lace edges and pearlescent beads. It was Thanksgiving Day and Josh and I were getting married on the beach. We had chosen this day purposefully. First we were thankful that we were together, we were thankful for Claire and we had been through a lot together so the significance of the holiday was enough to convince us. It had been a long two months’ wait and after my serious bout with postpartum depression I wasn’t sure this day would come at all. I ignored my mother’s admonitions about the depression the day we had lunch together and then things worsened. Josh and I began to argue daily. He did things to annoy me constantly – or so I thought - and I couldn’t help my nitpicking. When I found out that he begged Cassie to schedule appearances for him so he could be away from home more I was emotionally devastated. I couldn’t understand it, I had always been self-sufficient, done things for myself. I was strong, confident, capable yet there I was, doubting, scared, worried, and sad. Mom made herself available to help me and I pushed her away. She kept nagging me about seeing a specialist and the more she fussed the less I wanted her near me. Lindy, on the other hand, was fairly persistent. I tried to be polite, to gently tell her to mind her own business and it seemed to work. She never actually badgered me but I could tell she was anxious to see me get to a doctor. The day everything came to a head I was due to have a lunch outing with her. Josh left the afternoon before and jetted off to Ontario, Canada for an appearance at a small benefit in Toronto. I hated to see him go but at the same time glad that we wouldn’t be at each other’s throats another day. He wasn’t critical of me, I was of him and I could tell it was taking it’s toll. He slept fitfully, talking and shouting in his sleep. He had developed purple circles under his eyes for lack of rest. I hated myself for that, yes, another reason to be sad and angry. At night when we went to bed I rolled over onto my side away from him and he slid up behind me and pulled me into his strong arms. He held me tightly there as I silently sobbed over the days events. I cried because of how much he loved me and how much I hurt him. I cried because I loved him and was slowly destroying the love we shared. I cried because I thought I was an awful mother. I cried because Josh wanted more children and after this I wasn’t sure if I could take having another one. When he first began to hold me at night and I cried he would comfort me and offer words of encouragement and faith. After a while he never spoke, he just held me and let me sob until the tears ebbed and I fell into slumber. That day I was to meet Lindy I had forgotten all about it. Claire slept late and I had barely slept through the night. When I heard her cry I leaped out of bed, tripped over a pair of Josh’s shoes that lay in the middle of the floor where he’d left them the day before after packing for Toronto and smacked my shin on her changing table as I made my way groggily towards the crib. I cried out in agony and then let out a strong stream of expletives while I rubbed the growing lump that grew hotter under my hand. Retrieving Claire I hobbled over to the offensive table. changed her diaper and put on a fresh outfit. Refreshed, she smiled up at me and my tears began. I hugged her tightly to me and when she cried out of hunger, I brought her to my bed and fed her, holding back the tears until she was full then I lay her in bed next to me while I bawled yet again. That was where Lindy found me. She had come to the house when I failed to show for lunch. When I didn’t answer her persistent knocks she let herself in with a key Josh had given her for emergencies such as this and found me with Claire in my room on the bed.
“Theo? Are you okay?” She asked coming to me. Embarrassed I sat up and wiped my wet face.
“Lindy!” Realization dawned on me then that I had missed our date. “Oh God, I’m so sorry!” I stood up, still in my pajamas and sniffled.
“Sweetie …” She said enveloping me in her arms. “It’s time you talk to someone about this.”
“Lindy, I …” I protested.
“No, no more excuses. I know you probably think I’m worried more about Josh but that’s not the truth, I am worried about you.” She retrieved Claire from the bed and grabbed me by the hand pulling me out of the room. She went straight to the refrigerator where she made me some lunch and then forced me to eat. She knew I wasn’t eating much these days, Josh had told her. She also told me he was scared to death that I would leave him and take Claire. I was surprised to hear that he had confided so much in his mom, I didn’t know he had said anything to her. She talked while I ate and Claire played in her carrier. She then made several phone calls and finally satisfied, made me change into regular clothes, packed up Claire and dragged me to a psychiatrist friend in nearby Glendale. He was a well groomed older gentleman who listened patiently to my ramblings on and then diagnosed me with moderate to severe postpartum depression. He wrote me out a prescription for Zoloft, gave me samples and made me take one right then and there. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes.
“Mrs. Groban …” He began, I made to correct him that I wasn’t yet Mrs. Groban but he did not let me speak. “Please take this medication every day. I don’t care whether you take it in the morning or at night just so long as you take it.” I nodded and promised I would. “I am going to give you my cell phone number and I want you to call me if you feel bad, feel like hurting yourself or your baby, or if you just want to talk.” He went to his massive desk and wrote his number down on a business card before pressing it into my hand. He held my hand for a moment. “Your husband is a very talented man and very lucky to have you in his life. I am here to make sure it stays that way.” He squeezed my hand then directed me out into the next room where Lindy and Claire had been waiting for over an hour. Lindy greeted me with a hug and shook Dr. Prescott’s hand thankfully. We left and for the first time since Claire was born I breathed a giant sigh of relief.
Lindy, Claire, and I stopped by my mom’s house and picked her up before we went out for an earlier dinner, then a little shopping. By dusk both the baby and I were getting tired and LIndy dropped me off at home. I was glad to be home alone with Claire. After putting her in the swing and turning it on I sat down on the couch and called Josh. When he didn’t answer I felt tears well up inside. I started to think the worst, he was not answering on purpose, he was with another woman … I hung up and wiped away a stray tear. And before I could shed another the phone rang in my hand. I answered it.
“Sweetie?” It was Josh. I sighed in relief. “I’m sorry I’m backstage and didn’t hear my phone until you’d hung up.” I smiled.
“It’s okay. I just wanted you to know that I love you!” There was a lot of background noise, I wasn’t even sure if he could hear me.
“And I love you! How was lunch with mom?” The background noise was getting softer, he must have been walking away from the noise.
“We didn’t have lunch.” He was silent a moment.
“Why not?” He asked curtly.
“Because we had dinner!” I said and giggled. He breathed a sigh of relief.
“Good, good, glad to hear it!”
“Josh, I went to see a doctor today.” I said quietly. Another pause on the other end of the phone.
“And?”
“And he told me I have depression. He gave me some medicine and made me take one already.”
“He made you toke one already?” He asked. I laughed.
“Yeah. But Josh, I’m going to get better and things are going to be back to normal for us.”
“Honey, I just want you to be okay. I don’t care about anything else.” Just then in the background I heard someone tell Josh he was up next. “Teddy …”
“I know, you have to go. I wish I could have been there with you tonight.”
“Teddy, you’re always with me. And I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said and hung up. I left the conversation feeling hopeful and that was something I hadn’t felt in over a month.
I peeked out of the tent and saw the multitudes of fans growing by the minute. I felt butterflies in the pit of my stomach. When Josh mentioned the wedding and we decided to plan it he stressed that he wanted his fans to be able to partake of it too. I wasn’t against it but worried that it would be a circus. He posted an open invitation on his website and posted messages about it on the message boards. The response was more then overwhelming and now, peeking out again I saw that they all had accepted the invitation readily.
“How much longer?” I asked my mom. She glanced at her watch.
“About 15 minutes.” I sighed nervously. I wondered how Josh was faring. He was probably as nervous as I. He was lucky though, he’d had many years of performing in front of crowds. I went over to Claire who was pretty in a pink, frilly dress and little black shoes. She had grown some hair in the last few months but it was so blonde you could almost not see it. Today she wore a pink headband with a little rose cocked to one side. I picked her up and smooched her little pouty lips. She looked more and more like her daddy. Since taking my medicine Josh, Claire, and I had become inseparable. Where he went, we went. Suddenly Cassie poked her head into the tent.
“Let’s go ladies, it’s time!” Mom pulled the baby from my arms and held the tent flap open for me. Cassie took us to where Josh’s dad was going to escort me to the altar where Josh waited. Jack smiled broadly as I approached.
“Wow, you are beautiful!” He said and hugged me.
“Thank you.” I whispered slipping my arm inside his and clutching my flowers in front of me.
“Okay everybody! Places … cue the music!” Cassie clutched a clipboard and directed. I felt like I was in a movie and this was being filmed to be played in theatres everywhere. Lucia Micarelli, one of the most talented violinsts of our time and personal friend to Josh touched bow to string and began to play Pachebel’s Canon in D – my choice. Moments later Cassie was pushing us onto the aisle made out of plywood and set up on the sand similar to a stage. Rather then cheering like I thought they would be, the fans were deadly silent. I smiled as best I could though my nerves were on fire. Glancing around I saw faces of my family, Claire in my mother’s lap, Lindy, Jack, and more people off in the back that I didn’t know. I then looked forward at Josh who waited under an arch that was adorned with pearl white balloons and white lilies. He stood straight, hands folded together in front of him, eyes softening as they met mine. He smiled, lips pressed together. When we reached him Jack held my hand in his and turned to Josh who gave him his hand. Jack took both of our hands and set mine inside Josh’s then kissed me on the forehead and took his seat in the first row with Lindy.
“You are breathtaking.” Josh whispered to me and smiled a toothy smile. ‘Thank you.’ I mouthed and we turned to the minister. The music went silent, the crowd was silent and for that moment, before the minister spoke the only thing that could be heard was the wind and the waves crashing against the rocks and lapping up on the beach. I caught myself breathing in short breaths and inhaled deeply. Josh held my hand tightly, his palms a little bit damp.
The minister then broke the silence. “In marriage you make the most beautiful commitment in life; to love each other forever. You will share work and play, happiness and sadness, goals and values, family and friends, excitement and boredom. You will build a life which is stronger because now you are part of a team, a team that will go through life holding hands, always rooting for each other.” I glanced up at Josh and he winked at me. I smiled. “We have come together so this man and this woman might bear witness before you and to the world of the oneness that has grown up between them. As they now exist as one in their own eyes, so may they exist in your eyes. The mysterious union of two persons in marriage has already occurred in them in the giving and receiving of their love. In witness to this mystery they do pledge their love and the sharing of their lives. You are all especially welcome here because you form a circle of love. Groom and Bride are who they are, in part, because they have loved and been loved by all of you.” He held his arms open wide to all in front of him and then focused again on the two of us. It was my cue to turn to Josh, take his hands in mine and hold them, palms upward. The minister again: “These are the hands of your best friend, strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you forever. These are the hands that will work along side yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share your innermost secrets and dreams. These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness. These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy. These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief wracks your mind. These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes: eyes that filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.” Josh and I gazed into each other’s eyes, the words of the Reverend filling our hearts. He nodded to Josh and our hands switched places. “These are the hands of your best friend, soft and tender with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she pledges her love and commitment to you forever. These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times. These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving. These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness. These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams.” We laced our fingers together and bowed our heads as the Minister then prayed, “God, bless these hands that you see before you this day. May they always be held by one another. Give them the strength to hold on during the storms of stress and the dark of disillusionment. Keep them tender and gentle as they nurture each other in their wondrous love. Help these hands to continue building a relationship founded in your grace, rich in caring, and devoted in reaching for your perfection. May Joshua and Theodora see their four hands as healer, protector, shelter and guide. We ask this in your name. Amen.” We lifted our heads and Reverend turned to Josh. “Will you, Joshua, be truly a partner in marriage, taking Theodora as your wife? Will you share your innermost thoughts and feelings, nurturing the intimacy between you? Will you welcome her friends, share her interests, share your interests with her, and give her freedom to be herself? Will you be her beloved, her friend, her confidant, her comforter? Will you be open, honest and faithful? Will you be there when she needs you, to talk to, to listen; to help and reassure her; to challenge her; to shield her with your love? Will you love her day after day? Will you reach out to touch and to hold her hand, awake and asleep? Will you remember when life seems burdensome, to bring her a flower, to laugh with tenderness, to be often gentle?” He was silent as he waited for Josh to answer.
“Yes.” Josh said softly. “I will.” He then turned to me.
“Will you, Theodora, be truly a partner in marriage, taking Joshua as your husband? Will you share your innermost thoughts and feelings, nurturing the intimacy between you? Will you welcome his friends, share his interests, share your interests with him, and give him freedom to be himself? Will you be his beloved, his friend, his confidant, his comforter? Will you be open, honest and faithful? Will you be there when he needs you, to talk to, to listen, to help and reassure him; to challenge him; to shield him with your love? Will you love him day after day? Will you reach out to touch and to hold his hand, awake and asleep? Will you remember when life seems burdensome, to bring him a flower, to laugh with tenderness, to be often gentle?” I smiled.
“I will.” I said.
“Come now and share your vows with each other.”
“Teddy, I choose you this day to be my wife. When you came into my life, everything changed. You’ve filled my heart with your love and as we marry this day, my life is finally complete. I will always be there for you. I promise to devote the rest of my life to you, as a faithful and loving husband, always putting you first, caring for you, and loving you through all the ups and downs of life from this day forward.” Josh said. I felt a tear slip from under my lids and run down my cheek. I had to clear my throat before I could speak and when I first spoke my voice came out in a squeak. I cleared my throat again.
“Josh, I choose you this day to be my husband. When you came into my life, everything changed. You’ve filled my heart with your love and as we marry this day, my life is finally complete. I will always be there for you. I promise to devote the rest of my life to you, as a faithful and loving wife, always putting you first, caring for you, and loving you through all the ups and downs of life from this day forward.” He squeezed my hand in response. The minister nodded slightly and Chris came forward as did my closest cousin Susan. Chris handed a ring to Josh and then Josh turned back to me. I gave him my left hand.
“With This ring, I wed you – for today, for tomorrow and for all the years to come. Please wear it as a sign of my unending love and devotion and a notice to all the world that I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” He said and then slid the ring onto my finger. Susan handed me a ring and Josh held his left hand out to me. I positioned the ring at the tip of his finger and repeated what Josh said moments before. Then I slid the ring on his hand. We bowed our heads while the minister uttered a short prayer then he put our hands together and turned us towards the guests.
“Whom love has joined together, let no one break asunder. For as much as you two have consented to live together in marriage, have pledged yourself to each other, and have declared the same by giving and receiving rings, and by joining hands, by the power vested in me, and as witnessed by your families, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may seal your vows with a kiss.” Josh pulled me into his arms and pressed his lips against mine. It was then I noticed that he was trembling. He pulled me closer and hugged tightly. When we broke apart the minister turned us to the guests once more and raised our clasped hands towards the sky. “Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor and privilege to present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Joshua Groban!” The music began and the crowd roared. Everyone in the seats in front of us stood and began tossing white rose petals in our direction. We headed down the three steps from the altar and made our way towards the back, petals falling all around us like snowflakes in winter. When we reached the end of the runway I leaped into Josh’s arms, he held me tightly. He kissed my mouth and then my neck.
“I love you Mrs. Groban.” He said. I smiled and kissed him back.
“I love you too, Mr. Groban.” Cassie interrupted our moment.
“Reception line you two, get up there!”
Josh and I had an hour between the wedding and the reception. We took Claire to a private spot on the beach for professional photos. The reception was taking place in a hall down the street from the beach where the wedding took place. It was private but for the visiting fans Cassie, Lindy, mom, and I arranged for a tent on the beach filled with drinks, hors d'oeuvres and finally, wedding cake.
