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It wasn’t as though I had a lot of time. A week and-a-half is not a lot of time when you’re talking about finding something spectacular to wear to, of all places, the Playboy Mansion with Josh Groban who was invited personally by Hugh Heffner. This had to be the dress of all dresses, the hairdo of all hairdos, etc. I sat and thought about who I would ask to help me pick out something until my head was numb. I called my mom.
“Tell me you’re not going to that despicable place, Theo! I think you should decline.” Was her response. Oh yeah, sure, Mom, I’m going to turn down Josh. Ummm … NOT! I then asked Cassie.
“Oh you’re the one he asked. I had no idea …” Was her response. Apparently she was none too thrilled. I went through a number of girlfriends, all of them from Provo. I got several ideas. ‘Oh, if you’re going to Playboy you have to dress trashy!’ Nope. Black was the color of the majority. How utterly boring! On a whim I called my mom and got a phone number from her of one of her friends, I thought of all people she would help me.
“Can you sneak away for a few days and come to L.A.? I’ll have a car pick you up at the airport and we’ll go to the place I usually go when I have something special to attend.” I smiled satisfactorily and agreed.
The night before the party Josh and I caught a jet back to L.A. Two limos picked us up from the airport, one whisked Josh away to a sound check and then to get dressed. The other took me in another direction.
I turned this way and that, my pulse was racing, my head swimming. The dress was the most beautiful thing I’d not only had ever seen but had wrapped around my modest body.
“I think it suits you well.” The saleswoman said brightly. I saw through that, she was just trying to make a sale.
“Do you think so?” I heard myself breathe. Lindy Groban smiled and nodded.
“I think it does Theo. I think we’ve found the one.” I had tried on a few dresses the week before when she and I met secretly and I thought I had found the perfect one then but when we came in today the saleswoman said a new dress had come in just that morning. My eyes lit up when I saw it, a pale yellow, sequined Derek Lam original. And now with it on I felt like a little princess all grown up. “Look at how the color goes so well with your hair.” I gazed at myself then pulled my flaxen hair back from my face and held it in a bun.
“It has got to be the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.” Lindy’s eyes sparkled as I gushed. Then realization dawned on me, “But how much is it?” I asked.
“Never you mind, dear. You don’t buy dresses like these for one occasion, you rent them!” I frowned and glanced at her. “And I’ve got you covered.”
“But Lindy! I can’t let you …” I protested. Her lips formed a thin line as she spoke.
“Theodora, your mother is a good friend of mine. You and Josh were friends as children. I am more then happy to help. Now take off that dress, we have a hair and make-up appointment waiting.” And to the saleswoman she said, “Bag it up, we’re taking it with us.” Dutifully I did as I was told. Together we went from the Fred Segal Salon to the Yanai Salon where we were greeted by none other then Yanai Van himself.
“Darling!” He gushed scooping up Lindy’s hand and peppering it with tiny kisses. “You look better then ever! Who is it that does your hair, he is a genius!” Lindy laughed and pushed me in his direction.
“Yanai, please make her the most beautiful woman in Beverly Hills tonight.” He admired me for a moment and then winked.
“Now how can I make perfect what is already there?” I blushed. Bullshit is what it was but I’ll take a compliment any way I can get it! He hustled me into a changing room and instructed me to undress from the waist up. When that was done, a stringy girl with long, clawing nails washed my hair, wrapped it up and sent me on my way. Yanai looked at me in the mirror and I at him. I was worried quite frankly. I wasn’t used to strangers messing around with my hair. It took me several years to find a stylist I liked and now this fruitcake was going to start snipping and God only knows what would come of it. And if he made me look like some dork I was stuck with it because, and I checked my watch, I had to meet Josh in exactly three hours.
“Okay, Theodora, I have an idea. You will let me make you beautiful, yes?” I felt something drop in the pit of my stomach. What could I say?
“Yes.” I closed my eyes and forced myself to relax while he first cut and then gave me highlights. An hour later, after he dried it and I saw the color I breathed a sigh of relief. It looked marvelous! If I’d have known that a few well-placed highlights in my hair would have made it look this good I would have done it a long time ago! I turned my head. He gathered my hair in his hands and let me see it. It was soft and silky.
“Oh but mon chere, it is not finished.” He pulled me up out of the chair gently and pushed me off towards a young, comely woman. If she made me look half as good as she did then I was confident that I would be gorgeous by the time I left. Before she applied my face she had me change into my dress so that the hair and make-up would not be disturbed. After make-up I had my nails done and then I went back to Yanai. With an enormous smile that spread over his entire face he held his arms out to me. “Oh mademoiselle, you are tres beau!” I batted my eyelashes at him.
“Why thank ya sir.” I said in my best southern accent. He helped me into the chair and worked his magic. He pinned my hair upwards on the back of my head and pinned them in place with tiny bobbie pins encrusted with cubic zirconia gems. He then curled all the bits of hair that was tumbling down the back of my neck. He then sprayed everything into place. When the dust had settled he spun me around in the chair and held his arms out wide.
“Voila! Ici elle est Mademoiselle Hayes.” He said loudly. By that time Lindy had joined us. All the clients and the designers in the studio turned and let out a cheer. I giggled as I stood, straightened out my dress and regarded my reflection. I smiled satisfactorily. It was good, no it was great! I just hoped Josh would like it.
When the doorbell rang I thought I would jump out of my skin! I waited in the family room while my mom answered the door.
“Why Joshua, don’t you look handsome.” I heard her say and I suddenly felt dizzy and nauseated. “My you have grown!”
“Thank you Mrs. H, yeah I’ve grown, just a little.” I heard him say. I was more nervous then I had ever been in my life. Suddenly his large form appeared in the doorway. I gasped. He was more alluring then I ever imagined in his dark, blue suit. He leaned against the doorjamb and looked me up and down. I could feel the intensity of his stare as a smile slowly spread across his charming face. I swallowed and cleared my throat.
“Well say something.” I said but it came out as a squeak. He shook his head as if to come out of a trance.
“Teddy, you’re gorgeous.” He said barely audible. I smiled.
“Thank you.” I said.
“I am honored to be in your company. Shall we?” He held his hand out to me and I took it hoping he couldn’t feel how badly I was trembling. “Oh!” He said shoving a bouquet of flowers towards me that he had been clutching in his other hand. “I almost forgot, I brought these for you.” I took them and buried my face in the rose petals.
“Thank you, they are so beautiful.” I handed them to my mother as we headed for the door. What a gentleman, I was totally impressed. He held my hand the whole way to the car where he opened the passenger side door for me and closed it when I swung my legs inside. I admired the plush leather interior of the Gold Chrysler 300 as Josh sprinted around to the driver’s side and slid in beside me. “Is this your car, Josh?” He turned the key and the car purred to life. He chuckled as he pulled away from the curb and steered the car towards the freeway.
“Not a chance, it’s my mom’s. I thought I could fool the stalkers by driving a car they didn’t know.” I frowned.
“They know what car you drive?” He pressed his lips together and nodded.
“Mmmhmm.” I rolled my eyes and watched out the side window as we sped along the highway towards the swank little town that was Holmby Hills, home of the famed Playboy Mansion. Not to mention hundreds of mostly naked women swooning and swarming all over Josh. I felt angry and sickened about it. I glanced over at him and felt my heart skip a beat. He was beautiful, young, innocent. I felt jealous, ugly, and motherly. I wanted to gather him up in my arms and protect him. I thought about Jan, how would she deal with this situation? The fact that she wasn’t in my place spoke volumes to me. I don’t know if I could let my boyfriend go to the Playboy Mansion alone or with some woman I barely knew. But that ‘s just me. I let out a sigh and until Josh spoke I hadn’t realized it was so obvious.
“What was that for?” He asked.
“Oh, nothing really. Just a little anxious is all. This is so exciting!” I lied.
“I know, I’m looking forward to it myself.” He reached over, squeezed my hand and then let it go. “I’m glad you’re with me.”
“Just so you know I’m going to be keeping my eye on you and reporting back to Jan.” He made his mouth into an ‘O’ and then laughed out loud.
“Is that so?” He said. “I’ll be on my best behavior then.” I nodded.
“Mmmhmm.”
“When you’re looking.” He said quietly. I heard what he said and still I asked, “What did you say?” just to see if he would repeat it.
“Nothing. Nothing. I was just clearing my throat.” I flicked his shoulder with my finger.
“Just remember, I will be watching and reporting and what I don’t see the National Enquirer will.” He laughed out loud and when he looked at me I indicated with my fingers from my eyes to him while I mouthed, “watching you.” He started to giggle. I smiled and stared straight ahead.
I’d never been to an appearance quite like this one. As soon as we stopped the car and the valet opened Josh’s door the flashbulbs started to pop. It was so bright that as I got out of the car I couldn’t see a thing! Thankfully Josh grabbed my arm and led me down the red carpet towards the front door of the manse. He stopped me once or twice to pose for a picture. I could only imagine what they looked like, Josh, tall and handsome, me hunched over and squinting! Oh those photos will be classic! When we finally made it inside I had to stop and lean against the wall blinking my eyes a few times so they would adjust to the darkness.
“You okay?” Josh asked. I nodded.
“yeah, it’s just weird, all those flashes.” He led me down the hallway by my elbow.
“I know. You get used to it though.” He muttered. Josh was quite gracious as we made our way around, introducing me to everyone, getting me a glass of champagne, never leaving my side. At one point I had an inkling that he might be just as nervous being there as I was. We to the buffet table and got something to eat. He wolfed down a plate full of food in a matter of seconds. I giggled.
“What?” He asked, crackers flying out of his mouth.
“Good God Josh.” I scolded as I wiped away bits off of the lapel of his suit. He took a gulp of his drink. “I haven’t eaten all day.” I shook my head. After a while of mingling, Josh and I were finally introduced to Mr. Heffner himself. As I shook his hand I noticed that he looked a lot older in person then he did in pictures. How old was he anyway, about 105? Yet he still had women fawning all over him. There just wasn’t enough Viagra in the world if you ask me … It was shortly after that Josh was invited to sing. He sat me down at a table right in front of the microphone. On his cue the small orchestra began to play.
“Sento nell’aria il profumo di te.” He began. I sipped my champagne as he sang. It was one of my favorite songs by him, Per Te. I had goosebumps all over by the time he was finished and the crowd clapped politely.
Josh and I spent a few more hours making our way around the party. Oh and yeah, the bunnies were all around, serving food, serving drinks. I kept Josh on a short leash. He gawked. Not obviously but I was watching. I was going to make sure he looked but didn’t touch. He never left my side. In fact the later it got the closer Josh got to me. I had never seen so many celebrities in one room in all my career. Josh led me from group to group, his arm around me, introducing me as his personal assistant.
“Personal assistant, eh? How personal?” Pam Anderson sneered eyeing me up and down. “I thought you were dating January?” Josh stiffened at the mention of his love while he had an arm around me.
“I am. She’s away at the moment.” She nodded and pursed her lips. If I could have shrunk and crawled into his lapel pocket I would have. She had a way of looking at me, right through me that I felt dirty, ugly though I was only there at Josh’s request. He tightened his grip around me sensing my unease.
“I thought Cassie was your assistant?”
“She is.” Josh countered. “But I couldn’t do anything without Teddy. She’s been my right arm lately.” He looked down at me and smiled. I looked up at him. His eyes were a little out of focus.
“uh huh.” Pam Anderson said apathetically and moved away from us.
“What a bitch.” Josh muttered. “I could never stand her.” I was taken aback. I’d never heard Josh speak that way about anyone.
“She sure seems to think she’s above reproach.” Josh’s hand slid up from my shoulder to my neck where he stroked it lightly with his finger. “Josh, are you okay?” I asked nervously.
“Yeah, fine, why?” He retrieved another glass of champagne and tried to take a sip as I pulled it from his hand. “Why did you do that?” He licked the drink off his fingers where it spilled.
“You’ve had enough for the night I think.” I set the drink down on a table. “I think we should say our goodbyes.” He smiled knowingly at me.
“Yeah, okay.”
The drive home was fun and interesting as Josh sang to me all the way. He didn’t sing his own songs, he sang Veggie Tales songs. I giggled until tears fell from my eyes. When he pulled up in front of my mom’s house we both just sat in our seats a moment until Josh suddenly got out and opened my door for me. We stood in the doorway. It was an awkward moment for sure until Josh spoke.
“You were radiant tonight.” I blushed.
“Thank you.” I whispered. He leaned towards me. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand straight and I backed up against the door. He rested his forearm against the edge of the door and met my eyes with his. “You were pretty hot yourself.” I patted the lapel of his suit coat which was now unbuttoned and hanging loosely. He reached up and loosened his tie and undid the first few buttons of his shirt. “But what about all those bunnies tonight?” I teased.
“Why should I care about bunnies when I have my own Teddy?” I felt my breath coming in short spasms as he dipped his head and brushed his lips across mine briefly. I shuddered. He slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him, his lips pressing more urgently against mine this time. I fell into him, my mouth opening to his. His hands moved up and down my back, fingers stroking my bare skin, slipping underneath the straps of my dress and back out again. They traveled up to my neck and onto my head where he pulled the pins out of my hair and let them drop to the porch. It fell downward in loose curls. He massaged my head as his mouth sucked at mine. I felt my legs ready to buckle, my head was foggy with desire. At that point in time nothing existed except me and him. His hands traveled downward on my body, over my rear to my thigh where he used his fingers to slide my dress upwards. His mouth moved from mine to my neck where he sucked and nipped gently at me. I gasped as he used his tongue to make circles in my skin. He groaned as he pressed himself against me, I could feel his stiff maleness straining through his suit pants. His fingers lightly stroked my thigh and slowly slid their way from the outsides towards the inside. I shook my head to clear the mist. I nervously looked around the neighborhood for suspicious eyes. I wanted him so much, I would have given anything to pull him inside, strip him naked and lick every inch of his delectable body but common sense screamed no. Common sense told me that he was doing this because he was drunk, not because he loved me. I had to put a stop to it.
“Josh.” I gasped.
“Mmmmm …” I pushed at him.
“Josh, stop. Josh.” He lifted his head and looked at me, dazed.
“What? What did you say?” He asked and kissed at my mouth, my cheek, my nose.
“You don’t want to do this.” I breathed. I was having trouble catching my breath. His overwhelming ardor sucked the air right out of me.
“Oh believe me, I do.” He dropped the hem of my dress and held my head in his hands while running his tongue along my lips. I closed my eyes and shivered. After a moment I pulled his hands away and held them at bay.
“No, honey, you don’t. Stop, Josh. Listen to me.” He sighed and laced his fingers in mine. Now that I had his attention I spoke. “You have a beautiful girlfriend that you love. I know you love her.” He looked down at the ground. “It has been a crazy night. Much drinking, mostly naked women, I don’t blame you for feeling a bit …” I trailed off.
“Passionate?” He whispered. I smiled.
“Yeah.” He let go of my hands and leaned back against the house, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment, eyes closed in thought. He tilted his head backwards and sighed heavily. I turned to him.
“I’m sorry.” He said softly, his voice choked with emotion. I could see his eyes were damp with tears.
“Hey,” I said pulling him to me. “Don’t worry about it. I was affected the same way. It would be hard not to be.” He hugged me and then pulled away.
“Yeah, well, I nearly mauled you in front of your mother’s house.” I giggled.
“Well it’s certainly not the first time.” I poked him in the abdomen and he smiled forcefully.
“And it probably won’t be the last.” He said winking at me. He slid his hands in his pants pockets and stood straight. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, thoughtfully.
“This will be our little secret. I know you love Jan and I respect that.”
“Thank you. I do love her. If I’m a little distant for a while it’s just because I’m a little ashamed.”
“Well don’t be. No harm done. Thank you for a great evening.”
“You were a great companion.” He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek before retreating to his mother’s car and speeding off. I snuck into the house and made my way quietly to my room where I slipped out of the dress and hung it up before slipping into my old bed. The sheets were cool and soft against my burning skin. My whole body was on fire after that little episode outside. I could smell him all over me, my lips burned where he’d kissed them. I rolled over, hugged my pillow and sobbed myself to sleep.
