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Josh waited several days after resuming his promotional tour before attempting to call Karen’s house. The phone was picked up after a few rings. It was Kelly.
“Josh!” She said excited. “It’s good to talk to you.”
“How’s your mom?” He asked feeling more then just a little choked up.
“She’s really quiet. What’s going on?” Josh sighed. He wasn’t sure if he should tell or not. He didn’t know what Karen may have told them and he didn’t want to screw that up for her.
“What did she tell you?”
“She said you two weren’t dating anymore. She said that we were going to move in with you and that dad screwed that up.” He felt the tears again and willed them away. “I’m not happy about this.” She said. He sighed.
“Me either. I love your mom.”
“I know you do.” She said softly. “Why can’t you still date but just not move in together?” He held a hand over his eyes. They burned with tears but he wouldn’t let them fall, he had too much to do to get depressed again.
“You’ll have to ask her.” He said.
“Oh crap, here she comes. Bye!” Josh listened as the phone went dead. He closed the cover of the phone and sighed heavily. Just then his phone rang and he picked it up quickly.
“Josh?” It was Karen. He smiled at the familiar, sweet sound of her voice.
“Hi Karen.” He said.
“Hi. Kelly said you called.”
“Yeah. I wanted to see how you were doing.” She sounded a little far off, distant.
“I’m fine, you?”
“Not so good.” He decided to be honest with her and see where it got him.
“I’m sorry.” She said quietly. “I really shouldn’t have called.”
“No! Karen, no, you should have, I’m glad you called. I need to hear your voice. I miss you so much.” He felt his nose burn, the precursor to the tears that were now threatening to spill from under his lids. He blinked quickly to ward them away. It was useless.
“I miss you too, but Josh, it’s for the best. It can’t work out this way. He’ll never let them go and neither will I, we’re at an impasse.” He pinched his nose to quell the sting.
“Do you still love me?” He asked, not wanting to hear the answer.
“Of course.” She whispered. “And I always will.” Josh sucked in air.
“Then please be with me.” He pleaded.
“I can’t. You can’t. I’m being the mature one in the relationship Josh. I’m doing what should be done, not what I want or what you want.” He choked back the tears. He’s the one who shouldn’t have called. He thought he could handle it and he realized a little too late that he can’t.
“But Karen …” He begged and then stopped. He was being ridiculous and immature and he knew it. “I’m sorry. I know. It’s just that I love you so much. I wanted to spend every waking moment with you.” On the other end of the phone Karen covered the mouthpiece with her hand and sobbed into her pillow. If she could she would do the same, spend every day, every minute of the day with him. It just wasn’t meant to be and she knew it. She was saving both of them further heartache down the road. She, still covering the mouth piece sniffled and then wiped the tears away with her hand.
“I know, Josh.” She said as best she could. “I know. Umm, how’s the tour going?” He looked up at the ceiling of the limo he was traveling in and sighed.
“It’s okay.” He said, dejected. “I need you.”
“Stop, Josh, just stop. You’re hurting yourself and me.”
“I shouldn’t have called.” He said and blew air he’d been harboring in his lungs out.
“No, it’s okay. I have to go anyway, I have to get Carlie into bed. She misses you.” He felt a stabbing through his heart at the mere mention of it.
“I do too. Will you kiss her for me?” He choked on his own words.
“I will.” She whispered.
“Thanks.” He said softly, not able to speak out.
“Bye.” She said. He didn’t answer, he couldn’t answer, he just hung up. He lay down in the back of the limo and allowed himself to grieve. His mom told him it was part of the healing process and that he should allow himself his moments. He just wished it wasn’t right before he was to do another interview.
Karen lay in her bed, she was wracked with sobs and hadn’t noticed Kelly creeping into the room, watching. She approached the bed slowly.
“Mom …” She said timidly. Karen stifled her cries and snuffled. She dried her tears on her pillow and looked up at Kelly.
“What?” She asked, sitting up.
“Why don’t you want to be with him?” Karen looked away.
“It’s not that I don’t, I just can’t. You won’t understand until you’re older.” Kelly sighed and sat next to her mom on the bed.
“Try me. I understand more then you think I do.” Karen slipped her arm around her daughter and hugged her tightly. And without bad-mouthing their father too much, Karen tried to explain the whole situation to her. “I think that’s stupid, Mom.” She said.
“It is stupid, but Kelly, it would be a lifetime of work.” Kelly got up from the bed and frowned at Karen.
“You know, Mom, we are capable of telling Dad what we want and don’t want. You’re making a mistake and I’m ashamed of you!” She ran out of the room before Karen had a chance to speak. The night ended as the day had begun.
Josh stared out the door of the venue and watched as the fans lined up along the sidewalk hoping for a glimpse of him or better yet a meeting. He wasn’t in the mood. He went back inside and spied his mom talking to David Romano. He was still pissed off at him for kicking him into the wall. He’d broken a few of his ribs and whacked his shoulder out of joint but other then that nothing but his pride was injured. Foster had called in a replacement vocal coach until David could bear to face Josh again and only then when Josh apologized up one side and down the other. It had been two weeks since Karen had broken up with him and he was still as hurt as he was the first day it happened. His mom had convinced him that staying on the road and focusing on the promotion of his upcoming album was good therapy. So far he hadn’t found that to be true. He missed her in everything he did, including taking a piss. He went back to the dressing room and found several people there already. He didn’t feel like being sociable so he wandered off down the hall. He found a small corner and pulled up a chair. He had just sat down when his cell phone went off. Glancing at the caller I.D. he felt a jolt go right through his heart. He answered it quickly. He thought it would be Karen but Kelly greeted him.
“Josh?” She asked.
“Is everything okay, Kel?” He asked anxiously.
“Yeah, I suppose.” She sighed. “Mom really misses you.” He leaned back in the chair.
“Does she?”
“Yeah. You know, she explained everything to me and I’ve been thinking …” Josh smiled half-heartedly.
“Have you?” She sighed.
“Yeah, I have and I’ve come up with something.”
“You have?” He asked, hopeful.
“You know, no one has asked us what we want. Don’t you think that’s important?” He leaned the chair back against the wall.
“Yeah, Kelly, I do. Have you talked about this with your father?”
“No.” She said quietly.
“Why not?”
“Cuz I was afraid to get involved but now …” She trailed off and it worried Josh.
“Now what?” He asked.
“Well, Mom cries all the time, she’s sleeping so much. She hasn’t gone to work in 5 days. She doesn’t even make us dinner.” He sat up quickly.
“Is she okay?”
“I don’t know. It’s just … weird.”
“Is she sick?”
“I don’t know, Josh, can’t you come here and talk to her?” His heart leaped at the suggestion.
“I will do my best!” He could almost hear Kelly smiling over the phone.
“Thank you Josh! I can’t wait to see you!” He hung up and glanced around. He had to get out of there and to Ohio. He frowned. How was he going to do that? He walked around, looking for someone he could trust and decided there wasn’t anyone. He stood by the door and looked out at the fans standing just a short distance away. There was one girl, a short, red-haired girl who stood away from the others. He wondered if she could be trusted. He stopped a stage hand, whispered something to him then took off down the hall. The red-haired girl approached the door nervously if not hesitantly. Josh pushed open the door and met her in the shade. She smiled as he approached.
“So you do drive.” He said anxiously. She nodded. He had told the stage hand to approach the girl, ask her if she drove and had a car and then if the answers were yes, to meet him here. “I need a favor of you and if all works out well then I will give you and a friend backstage passes to my next concert here. Is that okay with you?”
“Yes.” She said breathless. Josh looked at her, her eyes were like saucers and she was breathing shallow through her mouth. He lay his hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“Are you okay?” He asked. He started to wonder if this was a good idea. She blinked a few times and then smiled.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” He smiled back at her.
“What is your name?”
“Rachel.” She replied.
“Okay Rachel, here’s the plan. You go get your car. I’m going to wait here. I need you to take me somewhere but no one can know that we’re doing this, right? So no talking to anyone on your way to get the car, are you with me so far?” She nodded. He looked into her eyes, they were sparkling with excitement. “Ready?” He asked. She nodded quickly. “Then go!” He sent her on her way and watched as she headed across the street and down the block. A few minutes later he snuck out the door and was waiting by the curb when Rachel pulled up. He got in, closed the door and instructed her to drive to the nearest airport. He didn’t care where it was or how long it would take. She pulled away and headed towards the highway.
Josh sat slumped against the door as Rachel drove. He was increasingly thankful that she didn’t try to make small talk. His head was full of concern for Karen. He couldn’t have been more grateful that Kelly had called.
“So I’m guessing there won’t be a concert tonight.” Rachel said quietly. He almost didn’t hear her. He turned and looked at her, what she had just said finally registering in his brain.
“Ummm , no. But I want you to write down your name, address, and phone number for me when we get to the airport.” She nodded.
“Okay. Uhhh … Josh?” He turned to her again.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay?” She asked timidly. He nodded.
“Yeah, I think so. I just have to help someone right now.”
“Karen?” He felt a jolt at the sound of her name spoken by this fan.
“Yeah, Karen.” He said.
“She was wrong to break up with you.” He frowned and sat up straight.
“How did you know about that?”
“It was all over the message board.” He sighed and shook his head disgustedly.
“Good God.” He said.
“I’m sorry.” She said quietly. He touched her arm lightly.
“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. Yeah, it was wrong but she had her reasons.”
“It seems to me, and I may be out of place here but it seems that she’s too proud to give in.” He leaned his head back on the seat and closed his eyes.
“That may be but there’s more to it then that. You’re not married are you?” She shook her head. “So I assume you don’t have kids.” She uttered a small laugh and again shook her head. “You will know what she’s going through when you become a mother.” She nodded.
“Yeah.” She said and again silence filled the car. When they arrived at the airport Josh had Rachel write down her information then he boldly gave her his cell phone number and instructed her to call him if he was heading back into town and he had not yet contacted her. Before running off inside he allowed her to take a few pictures of him and one of them together. He then hugged her tightly and left her standing, staring off at him, her eyes glistening with delight.
Josh went to three airlines before he found one that would take him to the Canton/Akron airport. The flight was to leave in one hour. He paced nervously at the gate until he was called to board. His cell phone went off several times and he ignored it. He knew who it was and didn’t care. All he knew at that point was that Karen was ill and he had to get to her. He boarded the plane and sat anxiously waiting for it to take off, fear igniting sparks that spread throughout his very being. When the plane took off down the runway, Josh leaned back in the seat, closed his eyes and prayed for strength.
****************************************************************************
Josh rented a car and as drove quickly to Karen’ house his mind raced ahead of him, worried about what might be wrong. He had barely knocked on the door when it swung open, Kelly motioned him in. He stepped in and the familiarity engulfed him. He was warmed by it. He missed being here, he missed the kids. Carlie came running up to him and hugged his waist tightly. He knelt down and she slid her small arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.
“Where have you been Josh?” She asked. He smiled and pinched her nose.
“I’ve just been busy singing and stuff. I’m here now though.” She smiled. He let go of her and stood. “Where is she?” He asked Kelly. Kelly nodded down the hall.
“In her room. She hasn’t been out since we’ve been home from school.” Josh glanced down at his watch. It was quarter to seven.
“Have you guys eaten?” Carlie shook her head. “Do you want to order a pizza?”
“Yes!” Kelly said. Josh fished out his wallet and pulled out some money and handed it to her. She went on in search of the phone to call in an order. Josh headed down the hallway carefully. Butterflies batted around in his belly. He didn’t know what he was afraid of, it wasn’t as though he didn’t know Karen, hadn’t loved for all this time. He swallowed a lump in his throat and found himself unnerved and as he went to open her bedroom door his hand trembled slightly. He gave it a shove and saw that Karen lay on the bed, she was facing the door, sleeping. He knelt down by the bed and smoothed the stray hairs from her forehead. Her eyes fluttered open. He smiled shyly.
“Hey.” He said softly. She lifted her head slightly and smiled at him.
“Hey, what are you doing here?”
“I came to see how you are doing. I heard you haven’t been well.” She clicked her tongue and closed her eyes.
“Those damn kids.” She muttered. “I’m fine, Josh, really I am.” He rubbed his fingers across her cheek.
“Are you?” He asked in a hushed tone. Her cheeks were pink, he touched them to see if they were warm. One of her cheeks was but it was the one she had been laying on. He sat and stared at her. She looked so peaceful, so lovely. His heart ached to hold her, to kiss her lids and wake her and then when she saw it was him she would rush into his arms and he would hold her. The reality of the situation hit him square in the gut and he choked momentarily and uttered a cough. Her eyes opened again and she watched him as he blinked quickly then looked back at her.
“You didn’t need to come. Why did you come?” He tucked her hair behind her ear and then slid his fingers into her hair and massaged her scalp.
“I came because if I’m anything I’m your friend and I’m concerned about you.”
“Pfft.” She said and then chuckled. He leaned close and smelled her. She wasn’t drunk.
“So what’s going on?” He asked. She shrugged.
“Nothing. I’m just tired.”
“Just tired?” He asked. “What else?”
“Nothing.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead, it was cool. Her eyes watched him carefully.
“Have you seen a doctor?”
“No. I don’t need a doctor.”
“Well something’s wrong and I think you need to see a doctor.” She sighed heavily.
“I don’t need a doctor, honestly, Josh, there’s nothing wrong.” He rolled her over onto her back and lifted her wrist. He let it go and it fell to the bed.
“Yeah, you do, you’re sick.” She chuckled.
“I’m not sick dammit.” She said. He pulled her up by her arms.
“I’m taking you to the hospital.” She pushed against him. He held her tightly, pulling her to his chest. “Let’s go.” He said. She pushed against his chest. He tried to get her to a standing position. She wiggled against him.
“Josh!” She said loudly. “I’m not sick! I’m … pregnant.” He loosened his grip and she pushed herself back on the bed. He stared at her in disbelief and sat backwards, almost falling off the end of the bed but catching himself at the last minute. He scrambled forward and took both of her hands in his.
“Did you just say …” She looked down at her hands. He tipped her chip upwards with his index finger. She raised her eyes slowly to look into his.
“Yes.”
Out in the hallway, Kelly and Ryan stood against the wall, their hands behind their backs, listening. They turned and stared wide-eyed at each other when they heard Karen tell Josh she was pregnant. “Oh my God!” Ryan mouthed. Kelly giggled. When the room suddenly fell silent they listened more intently.
Josh rushed her and pushed her back on the bed. He covered her mouth with his and kissed her with passion then he lay her back down and hovered above her. He stared into her eyes, his brows knitted together.
“Were you going to tell me?” She sighed and looked away.
“Yes. I would never have kept that from you.” He turned her head back to his gaze.
“When? When were you going to tell me?”
“Soon.” She said. He sighed and shook his head.
“Karen, this whole thing is ridiculous. We need to be together. I don’t care where we live, I don’t care if it’s here or California, all I know …” He smoothed her hair back and kissed her forehead. He kissed down her nose to her lips where he kissed them lightly. “Is that I love you and I don’t want to live without you.” Tears pooled on her lower lids, she blinked and they slid down her cheeks. He kissed them away. “Don’t cry.” He said softly. “Don’t cry anymore.” She slid her arms around his neck and pulled him to her. He held her tightly and stroked her hair as she sobbed into his shoulder. “Shhhh … Don’t cry baby, don’t cry. I’m here …” He held her there until the sadness subsided and her tears waned. The he handed her tissue after tissue until she felt like she’d blown a gallon out of her nose. She looked at him, red eyed and laughed. His eyes curled up and then he laughed too. “What the hell were we thinking?” He asked as they giggled together. She shrugged.
“I don’t know and God I’m so happy you’re here.” He put his hands on either side of her head and kissed her. They kissed slowly but purposefully. She arched her body upwards until their torsos were touching. His arms slid around her back and he pulled her close, he closed his hands into fists around her tee shirt and clutched at her. “Don’t let me go, Josh, don’t ever …” He kissed her neck and nibbled at it.
“I won’t.” He breathed. “You can count on it.” He lost himself in her, his hands roamed her body, he delighted in the feel of her under his touch. Her hands were in his hair, she wrapped her fingers in his soft curls as he rubbed his face in her chest. He pulled at her shirt, he wanted it off, he wanted her naked, he wanted … her. She grabbed his hands and held them.
“Josh …” She whispered. He looked up her, his eyes glazed over and distant. “Josh.” She said again. “The door.” He got up and closed the bedroom door and locked it. The kids would be eating their pizza by now, he felt he was safe. On his way back to Karen he pulled his shirt up over his head and dropped it then his pants. By the time he made it back to the bed he was in nothing but his underwear. He slid under the covers next to Karen and pulled her to him. He made love to her, tasting her, drinking her in and as he did he watched her, fell into her eyes, and afterward he held her as she snuggled into him and he knew he was home.
Karen slept peacefully for the first time in weeks. Josh snuck out of bed, dressed and went into the living room where the kids sat eating pizza and watching TV. He grabbed a piece of pizza and flopped down on the couch between Carlie and Kelly.
“How’s mom?” Ryan asked.
“She’s better.” Josh said. “She’s sleeping.”
“Again?” Carlie asked and moved closer to Josh. He slipped an arm around her instinctively and she snuggled into him.
“Yeah, but I think this time she’s going to feel much better when she wakes up.” Kelly stifled a giggle.
“Let’s hope so.” Ryan sighed. “She hasn’t been much of a mom lately.”
“I think things are going to be different from now on.”
“Don’t leave Josh.” Carlie said into his shirt.
“I won’t. Believe me, I won’t.”
“So now will someone tell us what’s going on?” Ryan asked. Josh sighed.
“I would but you know it’s up to your mom to tell you. Just know that I love your mom very much and I don’t intend to let her go like your dad did.”
“My dad’s a jerk.” Kelly said.
“Well I don’t know him well enough to judge but I do know that I love your mom and nothing’s going to come between us again, nothing!” And something in the way he said it made the kids believe that he truly meant it.
