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Josh hung up the phone and fell onto his bed. His heart was heavy and his head was swimming. He had been expecting this for some time now but he really thought he’d have a chance to tell her the truth before she found out. He ached all over and felt a good cry was coming. He was trying desperately not to succumb. Within the course of a month he’d lost two loves. January he didn’t care about but Karen … He closed his eyes and felt the room spin. He sat up quickly and grabbed onto the covers. He was overcome with nausea.
“Stop it, Josh. Get a grip.” He said out loud. He gulped and took a deep breath. “It’s not over, is it?” He whispered. He felt the tears approach and swallowed them away. “Nope.” He shook his head adamantly. “No, it isn’t over. She loves me as much as I love her. I’m sure of it.” He slid off the bed and paced the empty condo. “I have time. I’ll show her.” He muttered to himself. He spent most of the night on the computer, checking email, re-reading her letters, checking his website, basically trying to bide his time. As the sun went down Josh sat on the couch, computer on his lap, bottle of water on the table and stared blankly at the computer screen. He didn’t even notice until the room was black except for the page open on the screen. It was the first intimate letter Karen had written to him. One where she’d told him how he made her feel every time he called and wrote to her. He sniffled and opened another one. He read it and then moved on to the next. He finally shut down his computer and went to bed somewhere around midnight.
He didn’t want to do anything. He lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. There wasn’t anything to look forward to. He sighed. He missed Karen. He had slept awful after not having spoken to her before bed. He felt empty, his soul barren. He needed her back. He needed to hear her voice, feel her compassion. His mind went back to the last conversation they’d had. She was so angry, so hurt. He gritted his teeth and swallowed hard. He hated hearing her like that. He never in his life wanted to hurt her. He knew that he had. He knew he was going to. If only he had acted sooner … He had simply delayed the inevitable. His mind told him to get up and go to the studio. His body told him to fuck it. His heart ached. He got up, dressed and left the condo. Hopeful he would hear from Karen though he knew most likely he would not.
He poured his heart and soul into his recordings and got an exuberant pat on the back from David for the job he did. He didn’t care. He sat alone in the studio after everyone had gone for the day and played the piano until he was fatigued. He had no urge to go home knowing that there most likely no message or email from Karen. He finally left as the sun was just starting to set and headed for the condo. He stopped by and picked up an order of chicken fried rice for dinner. He parked in the usual spot in the garage and rode the slow elevator up to the fourth floor. Letting himself into the condo, he began flipping on lights and then after he turned on his computer, he went back around shutting them off again. He sat in the dark eating his rice and checking for any sign of Karen online. There was none. His phone rang. He checked his watch. It was 7. He checked the i.d. and saw it was her. He answered it.
“Hi.” He said.
“Hi.” She said back.
“I’m sorry.” He choked. Hearing the sadness in her voice was ripping him apart.
“Don’t keep apologizing.” She said. He cleared his throat so he could speak.
“But I am.”
“I know.” She stated. “You’ve said it a few times.”
“I would say it a hundred more if I thought it would help.”
“It won’t.” He sat silent and licked his lips. He wanted to say something magical and couldn’t come up with a thing; his heart sank in his chest.
“Well, I miss you.” He said finally.
“Mmhmm.” He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them.
“Karen, regardless of my name you know we were attracted strongly to each other. That couldn’t have changed in one day.” She was silent on the other end.
“What changed, Josh, is the trust I had for you.” He cringed.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered.
“You said it again.”
“I’m sorry.” She sighed. “I didn’t mean to say it again. But I am. I will build your trust again, Karen. Allow me to do that. Don’t cut me off.”
“I’m not cutting you off but things are not going to be like they were.” He sighed and covered his eyes with one hand.
“I won’t ever hurt you again.”
“I have to go, it’s getting late.” He glanced at his watch and it had only been a half hour since they started talking.
“Please don’t hang up.” He begged.
“I don’t have anything else to say.”
“I do!” He said quickly.
“Then say it so I can go.” Her tone was so dull yet it cut him to the bone like a freshly sharpened blade.
“I can’t wait to see you Thursday.”
“That may not happen.”
“What?” He exclaimed. “Karen, please!” He heard her cough then clear her throat. She was silent for a time before she spoke.
“I don’t know that I’m still coming. We’ll see how I feel towards then.” He found he was panting, breathing very shallow.
“You have to come, we can talk this out personally instead of just on the phone. I need to see you, Karen.” She was silent.
“I’ll think about it.”
“Fair enough.” He said, confidently.
“Do you have any more to say?” Karen asked after they had gone quiet for a moment.
“Well …” He began. He didn’t know what else to say.
“Okay then. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She said.
“I lo…” The phone went dead in his ear. He hung it up and sat silent in the empty, dark room.
****************************************************************************
Karen tried to stay busy at work but it was a slow time and that made it difficult to keep Josh off her mind. She went to lunch and when she came back she found a huge flower arrangement on her desk. She sighed and smiled slightly. She knew in an instant they were from Josh. She pulled the card out and read it;
“Karen. Your beauty is far more superior to these flowers, they pale in comparison. Love, Josh.” She held the card to her chest as she bent down and inhaled their perfume. She knew he was sorry. She wanted to forgive but she was so full of pain. She had been hurt before and told herself it would never happen again. She was now a self-made woman, strong, secure, and self-reliant. She didn’t need a man to get through in this life. She had proved that months ago when she walked out on him, the ex. She promised herself she would never rely on a man to get her through. She sat down and busied herself with work. She found herself staring at the flowers, engulfed in the sweet smell. She didn’t know what to do. She wanted to forgive and forget but there was a nagging doubt. She had until Wednesday night to decide. She put him out of her mind until she got home from work and found more flowers.
“Look, Mom!” Kelly said dragging Karen into the kitchen where there were several flower arrangements on the counter. “He’s really sorry.” Karen sighed again and checked the cards. All from Josh, all with a sweet, poetic saying on them. She stuffed her face in all of them. They smelled heavenly.
“I know he’s sorry Kelly. I’m sorry too.”
“You’re not going to dump him, are you Mom?” Karen sighed and tossed her car keys down on the counter.
“I don’t know yet.” She said as she headed into her room to change her clothes. She made dinner and the four of them sat and ate in silence. At nine Karen made her call to Josh. He was apologizing and begging and pleading again. She told him she’d gotten the flowers and thanked him. He said she was worth more but didn’t want to blow his wad in one day. She sighed and rolled her eyes; that was a clue that there was more to come tomorrow. Then she smiled. She loved flowers and getting them at work was the best thing a man could do for her. She would never tell him that though. He didn’t need to know that he was getting to her. When the conversation slowed again she decided it was time to hang up. She didn’t want him to talk her into chatting all night like they used to. She told him goodbye and hung up quickly before he could say another word, one that would tear through her and make her cry. She was done crying. She got dressed for bed and crawled into it. She lay down and closed her eyes. Josh loomed above her. He was so handsome, his voice so velvety and smooth. She felt tears sting her eyes under her lids. They dripped down the sides of her face and into her ears. She sniffled. She wanted him very badly and at the same time … She didn’t know what to do. She cried herself to sleep. Again.
The flowers had multiplied by Wednesday. Karen laughed when she saw them. There was no where else to put them anymore. She started going around the office and planting them on every desk, man or woman. By the time she got home from work, the flowers there had multiplied as well. Karen sighed. She still had not made a decision. She was supposed to be on a plane in the morning and meet him at the airport in the afternoon. She prepared dinner in a daze. The four of them ate again in silence but she knew what they were thinking, how they felt. When she put them to bed she leaned down and kissed each one. She told Kelly she doubted very much that she was going to California.
“Are we still going to Dad’s then, Mom?” Kelly asked.
“Yes. Even if I don’t go I think I’ll need some time alone.” Kelly hugged Karen tightly.
“Don’t forget to call me no matter where you are.” Karen kissed her forehead.
“I won’t.”
She went into her room and sat down in front of her computer. She went to the Josh Groban website and sifted through some of the pictures and information that was there. She wanted to hear him sing. Going to the music section she clicked on a song called My December and listened to it. It began with a beautiful piano piece and then Josh began to sing;
this
is my December
this is my time of the year
this is my December
this is all so clear
this is my December
this is my snow covered home
this is my December
this is me alone
and I just wish that I didn’t feel
like there was something I missed
and I
take back all the things I said
to make you feel like that
and I
just wish that I didn’t feel
like there was something I missed
and I
take back all the things I said to you
and I’d give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to
this is my December
these are my snow covered dreams
this is me pretending
this is all I need
and I
just wish that I didn’t feel
like there was something I missed
and I
take back all the things I said
to make you feel like that
and I
just wish that I didn’t feel
like there was something I missed
and I
take back all the things I said to you
and I’d give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to
this is my December
this is my time of the year
this is my December
this is all so clear
and I’d give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to
By the time he sang the last notes Karen was crying again. She decided that she missed him. Why did he have to be such a shit! When she finally fell asleep she still was unsure about whether or not she would get on that plane …
